It's Off to School We Go!

So today I cried. This in itself isn’t unusual; I am an emotional person. But today was the first time I had cried over M starting school. It was triggered by a small comment from a relative saying that M going to school was kind of a big deal. And suddenly in my head it all clicked; oh my god it is a big deal! M is no longer my baby; she is no longer a toddler. She is a child who is off to school. It didn’t seem that long ago that I was sat on the chair cuddling my baby M; patting her bottom to encourage her to fall asleep. Where has the time gone?

Don’t get me wrong the summer holidays have been very challenging at times and M is so ready for school but I’ll miss her. I am sure she will thrive in an environment where she is constantly active and learning. However, I have my own worries and fears for what lies ahead for her in the next part of her learning journey.

As a parent, as soon as you found out you’re pregnant, you have an overwhelming instinct to protect your baby and keep them safe above all else. You are right there for their every need. While she is at school, I worry that I will not be there to protect M; to keep her safe. I will not be there when she is hurt or feels sad. I will not be there to tell her it is all ok. Suddenly she feels so far away.

As a teacher I thought I would know what to look out for when looking at schools for my own children but, to be honest, I didn’t really know. When I asked friends, who had been through this they said “You’ll know when you see it” Oh ok! But I didn’t. I feel like there should be some sort of parental advice leaflet given to you when they attend preschool; no one tells you what to ask about or what to look for when you are touring round. You can read the Ofsted report, you can look around, you can read their policies online if you really want (I did) but really there is no way of knowing what experience your child will have at a school. Will this be the right school for them? What will their experience be? What will they enjoy? Will they enjoy learning at their new school? Will they make friends? Their happiness at the school you choose is the most important thing. At the same time, every parent of course wants their child to do well so that later on in life they have the ability to choose what they want to do. It feels as if an awful lot is riding on your decision.

Will M make friends at school? I am almost certain she will but how quickly those friendships will form I do not know. I worry that there will be times that she will feel lonely, that she is sad. I am crying again! M didn’t attend nursery until she was 2 ½ years old. Until then she spent time with other children at playgroups and classes but as she was the first grandchild on both sides of the family, she had very little interaction with other children. She has always been far more comfortable in the company of adults. Adults are predictable. You ask them to play and they very rarely say no. However other children are unpredictable and that was why M often looked at them with such puzzlement. As M spent more time at nursery, she started to form her own friendships. I watched her one morning greet almost every single child in the class individually. She was clearly confident. She clearly felt she was part of the class. And that made me so proud and happy. I am sure in her new class, friendships will form. Hopefully she will make lifelong friends who will be kind to my little girl. I am looking forward to M telling me everything that she and her friends got up to. And all the things her friends have said. Down to the very last detail.

My biggest worry is that M continues to enjoy learning. She is currently a smart cookie and, like most children her age, a bit of a sponge. Although I might complain about it at times, I love the way she picks up new phrases she has heard myself or anyone else say. How she then sandwiches them seamlessly into a random conversation, sounding far more grown up than her 4 years. We spend lots of time at home playing and learning through play. I hope M continues to have fun whilst learning. I want her to enjoy school. I want her to have fun. I want her to feel confident that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I have a fear that at some point she will no longer enjoy learning or that something will make her doubt her abilities and make her feel unable to do something.

M starting school has also made me reflect and look back on the time I have spent with her. I know we’ve done everything we could to give her a fantastic life; that we have done so much together and had so much time together as a family. Yet I feel guilty for all the times that I was too busy to play. For the times I only half-heartedly listened to one of her stories, whilst also trying to do several other jobs. For the times I became frustrated when she wanted mummy to help her do something that I knew very well she could do herself. Time is so limited. I remember my husband saying that we will never know when it will be last time they want cuddles before they go to sleep. When the last time will be that they ask to hold your hand. When they still want to be carried or lifted high on your shoulders. So, try and soak it in. Take the time to stop and appreciate all those little things. Time goes by so fast. It is so easy to wish away the time. So easy to wish that they will fall asleep by themselves so you can get on with the washing up downstairs. To wish that they will sleep through the night. But now I just want time to slow down. I want to sit on the chair in M’s room and hold her while she falls asleep.

So, when M wakes up today my phone will go away. I will focus on my two daughters. They will get all of my attention. Nothing else is as important. When I give her a cuddle at bedtime I will stay as long as I can, as who knows when she will no longer need us there.

To you M, you are such a strong, fierce, kind and incredibly funny young lady. I look forward to watching you grow. I look forward to picking you up at school and listening to you tell me everything you got up to. I am sure that there is still plenty of time for some adventures and playing with mummy when school is finished. In your clothes I have a sewn a heart. That heart is a reminder that you are part of a family who love you. It is a reminder that you are so strong, so very kind and smart. You can handle this.  I am so proud of you. Don’t ever stop being you. You’ve got this. And remember that no matter what, we love you.

And if you hadn’t already guessed, I am crying again.

The first week of school has been and gone. The first two days passed without tears. It was all so exciting. But then tiredness hit and on the third days the tears came. It was so hard to leave her. To leave whilst she begged me not to. To leave as she cried. She had her hearts and I reminded her that they were there to help her when mummy was not. On the Friday morning M randomly spotted a heart on the wall of the stairwell at home. It was made from the morning sunshine coming through the trees outside. What were the chances? I told M it must be the world telling her that “She’s got this” And I truly believe she has.

If you want to buy the iron on hearts for your child, these are the ones I used.

If this is something that you are currently going through with your little one going to school, or something you have been through, please share how you are finding it. And if you have got any tips for other parents to make it easier for your child, please comment below!