A Letter of Hope to my Younger Self

Hello.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is shattered into a million pieces and you don’t know how you will ever recover. The world feels like it has ended and you have no idea how life could ever be the same again. You will survive this. You will breathe again. But it will take time. So give yourself time. Don’t rush yourself. Don’t be rushed by other people. Grieve for what you have lost; a baby; hopes for what Thomas might become, dreams of what he could achieve. This is your time to be selfish. Allow yourself to feel a mother’s love and instincts because you are a Mummy.

The world may not fully understand your grief. It will be uncomfortable for some to see your heart so broken but that doesn’t mean you should cover it up. Cry, scream, shout. You will feel as if no one else really understands what you are going through and you’re right, they don’t. They can’t. But your family and friends love you and they want to help you. They just don’t always know how. So try to tell them what you need. Shout it from the roof tops if you need to. Try to be open to their love and help.

Keep yourself safe. If you can’t face the world today, go back to bed and try again tomorrow. You will have good days and bad days. Jonnie will have them too. Look after one another. You will need each other to get through this. You will feel as if you are on an endless journey of grief, anger and sadness but there will be happy moments. Little moments when you will laugh. Don’t feel guilty. You are allowed to feel happiness again. It’s ok to be scared that you will never recover and that life will be different. Trust me when I say it won’t always be as hard as it felt those first few days, weeks and months. This overwhelming sadness will not last forever. Remember this.

You will always carry Thomas in your heart. A day won’t go by where he isn’t in your thoughts. Mourn as you need to. There are no correct or incorrect timelines for this. There are no expectations. Take the time away from work you need. Don’t rush back. Don’t feel bad for calling in sick. You need to mourn in order to get better.

Find support to help you through the days that seem endless and the nights that are overwhelmingly lonely and sad. There are communities of other men and women who have been through what you are going through. They want to help and they can if you let them.

I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are strong enough get through this and survive. You are not alone. You are never alone.

We are all here for you and are ready to help you however best we can.

All my love

Isabell xx